Ridiculous things the human Cullens do
by tortgirl
Summary: A series of one shots of the Cullens before they were vampires, first up is Alice.
1. Alice

**Ridiculous things the Cullen's did when they were human.**

**Chapter 1: Hi, Alice**

Mr. and Mrs. Brandon were sitting in their living room reading the paper when their fourteen year old daughter Alice runs in screaming in an Indian costume.

"Hi mom, hi dad!" Alice says.

"Hi Alice." Her parents say without taking their eyes off the paper.

She runs out of the room screaming with her hands above her head.

"What are we going to do with her?" Alice's Mom asks.

"Relax dear, it's just a faze." he replied.

She nodded and continued to read.

**Two years later**

Alice's parents are sitting in their living room reading the paper when their sixteen year old daughter runs in screaming wearing an Indian costume.

"Hi mom, hi dad!" She squeals.

"Hi Alice." they reply in Unisom.

"Have you seen Cynthia? We're playing cowboys and Indians." She says while bouncing.

"No dear, we haven't." they reply.

"Okay bye." she runs out of the room screaming.

"Give her another year." Her dad says.

Her Mom nods and they continue to read the paper.

**Three years later**

Mr. and Mrs. Brandon are reading the paper again when their nineteen year old daughter runs in wearing an Indian costume.

"Hi mom hi dad, guess what?" She squeals.

"What Alice?" They reply in the same bored voice as always.

"I can tell the future." She says while doing a pose of a soccer player that just scored a goal.

"That's nice." They say. She runs out of the room screaming.

"I'll call the hospital tomorrow." Her dad says.

She nods.

**Present day**

Carlisle and Esme are sitting on the couch reading the paper when their adopted daughter runs in screaming in an Indian costume.

"Hi Carlisle, hi Esme!" she squeals.

"Hi Alice." They say.

"Do you know where jasper is? We're playing cow boys and Indians." She asks.

"No." They reply.

"Never mind I just had a vision of him, he's in the bathroom bye." She runs out screaming.

"Don't worry dear, it's just a faze." Carlisle says.

Esme nods.

**The end I hope you liked it, I know it was completely inaccurate but what's the fun in accuracy?**

**Pleas review.**


	2. Edward

**Edward**

Mrs. Masen is cooking in her lovely Chicago home 1915, when she hears her lovely son Edward playing the piano, the music thrills her and she listens with glee.

The music stops and she hears:

"Mother!" Edward screams from the other room.

"Oh dear," Mrs. Masen says to herself. "Yes my dear."

"Stop with the racket, you're ruining my creative flow." Edward whines like a little girl.

"Sorry lamb chop." His mother replies.

The music returns and Mrs. Masen continues with her cooking.

The music stops again.

"Mother, stop it with the blender, I'm trying to compose a freaking sonata here!" Edward whines again.

"Do you want dinner or not, Edward?" His mother asks no longer patient with him.

"Can you cook quietly; Mozart's mother didn't bother him with useless noise." Edward says now in the kitchen.

"Fine darling, I will." She says with a smile, he nod and goes back to playing.

She resumes cooking and quietly.

**2004**

Esme is in the garden trimming her gardenia's when she hears her son Edward playing the piano.

She smiles with glee and resumes gardening.

The music stops.

"Esme!" Edward screams like a little girl.

"Oh no." She says quietly to herself. "Yes Edward."

"Will you shut that weed whacker up; I'm trying to compose a freaking symphony here." Edward whines.

"Sorry dear." She says.

The music resumes.

"I'm going to break that piano one day." She says to herself.

**Okay that is all for now, next up should be Rosalie.**


	3. Rosalie

**Rosalie**

**1933**

Rosalie Hale is admiring her beauty in her bedroom.

"I am so freaking gorgeous, no wait- I'm perfection- no I'm an angel sent from heaven." Rosalie gushed.

"Rosalie darling, time for school." Her mother called.

"Okay, coming." Rosalie responded.

She went down stairs grabbed her lunch and left.

Random boy comes up to her.

"Hi Rose," he says.

"Hi Random, how are you?" She said while admiring her reflection in his eyes.

"I'm great; can I carry your books?"

She shrugged and gave him her books.

They arrived at school and he gave her her books back.

"Thank you Random, you can go now." She told him while admiring herself in her compact.

"Bye loveliest person ever." He said while sighing.

"I know right." She took off to her class.

"Rosalie, you're late." Her teacher scolded.

"I'm sorry Mr. Teacher; I'll never do it again." She said while giving him an irresistible pout.

"I-it's no p-problem." He studderd. "Take your seat."

She smiled and took her seat.

**2004**

Rosalie Hale is admiring herself in the mirror in her bedroom.

"I am so freaking amazingly outrageously beautiful, it's stuns me." She gushes.

"You really are." Emmett says while getting dressed.

"Shut up Emmett, I'm gushing." She snaps at him.

"Kids, time for school." Esme says.

"Coming Esme." Emmett and Rosalie said in unison.

They went to school.

"Can I carry your books and walk you to class?" Emmett asked.

She shrugged and gave them to him.

Rosalie arrived at her class.

"Thanks Emmett, you can run along now." she said while admiring herself in her compact.

Rosalie goes into her class.

"You're late Miss Hale." The teacher said.

"I'm sorry Mr. Teacher-man; I'll never do it again." She said with an irresistible pout.

"I-i-it's o-okay." He stutterd.

She smiled and sat down.

**Please review, next up is Jasper.**


	4. Jasper

**Jasper**

**18-something or other**

Jasper Whitlock is in his tent in the dead of night serving his time in the army and what-not.

"I'm alone," he says. he looks around and decides it's time.

**(If you've read group therapy, you will totally get this)**

Jasper breaks out Sense and Sensibility, the first real chick lit novel.

"Oh my God I must find out what happened with Willouhby, he's so dreamy." Jasper gushes.

**Three hours later**

"That bastard!"

**One hour later**

"Poor Elinor!"

**Two hours later**

Jasper sighs. "Oh, what a good book, I can't wait to read Pride and Prejudice."

**2007**

"Alice!" Jasper screams.

"Yes Jasper." she says.

"Have you seen Pride and Prejudice? I uhh want to lend it to Bella, hers got worn out." Jasper lies.

"It's in your office, you want me to get it?" she offers.

"No thanks I'm good." He rushes at vampire speed to get it.

**Sorry short chapter, next one is Carlisle and I've got something good cooked up.**


	5. Carlisle

**Carlisle**

**16something or other**

Carlisle Cullen the Anglican pastors so is in his quarters just passed midnight when a knock was heard at the door.

"I just heard a knock at my." Carlisle says. "Oh, right. Come in!"

It was Chauncey his assistant.

"Hello Master Carlisle, I'm afraid Gregorian will not be able to join us on our raid tomorrow night."

"Aw, boo. Why not?"

"He has the plague I'm afraid, it's really too bad he was good people." Chauncey says.

"Ah well, what are you going to do it's not like it's the future where you can cure the bubonic plague." Carlisle says.

"True dat, so who's the replacement?" Chauncey asks.

"Uhh, I don't know, maybe that new novice Sondra, how is she with a pitchfork?"

"I don't know, I'll ask her. Well I'll see you tomorrow at the raid, maybe we'll actually find something evil."

They pause for a moment and then start laughing.

"Ha, yeah right." Carlisle says in between laughs. "We've never found crap, what makes us think we'll find something tomorrow?"

"Huh, alas you are right, see you tomorrow." Chauncey says and then leaves.

But little did Carlisle know that he would find something.

"I will? Who said that?" Carlisle screams at the air.

Uh, anyway, Carlisle's innocent raid will be what changes him forever (Insert evil laugh here)

"Who is laughing evilly?" Carlisle screams at the air again.

Okay let's get out of this time period.

**2005**

Carlisle Cullen is in his office at the hospital when a young intern walks in.

"Dr.Cullen, we have someone with the bubonic plague." He says.

"Oh heavens no! Evacuate! Evacuate! We're all going to die!" Carlisle hollers like a crazy person.

"Uh, yeah we gave him the cures he needs and stuck him in isolation, everything's fine. I just thought you should know."

"Oh right, well thank you."


	6. Esme

**Esme**

**1921**

Dear catastrophe Esme, Dear catastrophe Esme

I'm sorry that you seem to have the weight of the world over you  
I cherish your smile  
There's a word of peace on your lips  
Say it, and with tenderness I'll cherish you

Dear Catastrophe Girlfriend  
Dear Catastrophe Girlfriend  
I'm sorry if he hit you with a full can of Coke  
It's no joke  
Your face is bleeding  
You'll soon be leaving this town to the clowns who worship  
No one but themselves  
No one but themselves

"Who is singing that?" Esme asks while in her kitchen making her husband dinner.

"Esme!" Her husband lets call him Charles screams. "Where's my dinner?!"

Esme because she's so annoyed with all the coke can hitting and face bleeding decides to keep him busy for a while, so she spikes his dinner with stuff to make him throw up all night.

"Here you go, honey." She says pleasantly.

**5 hours later**

"Bleaughgh!" Charles says.

"Show time, I'm going to go get you some medicine, okay dumpling?" Esme offers.

"Bleshgheyeyhhrfr!" 

"Okay, great bye." She walks out of the house. "Forever." She adds.

**2005**

"Esme, darling," Carlisle says. "You are the best wife a man/vampire could ask for."

"Oh, I know, though I'm glad you appreciate it."

"We love you, Esme." All the Cullen kids say.

"This is lovely,"

**Yeah I know, not exactly funny but domestic violence isn't funny, so I did what I could.**

**The good news is Emmett is up next.**


End file.
